Response to Austins 'sex lies and video tape' post.

I actually wasn’t going to do one.  Had no interest.  He has every right to voice his thoughts and not get attacked for them whether they were true or false.  Sometimes simple things like that can be subjective to the specific individual.  How they think, how they see things, how they adapt and respond to certain events.  So whether he's 100% right or doesn’t understand this or that is another subject.  Some of the things I could say would rebound and possibly make some others look bad.


I have a few moral codes I live by, like for example if anything like say stealing from a friend, earning money at the expense of  friend, hitting on a friends girlfriend etcetc, these are things where I usually instantly turn my back on a person.  I'm not saying he did or didn’t do any of these, I'm just saying I had plenty of reason to stop talking to him looooooong ago but didn’t mainly because of the rest of our friends and how it would affect things.  So I'm not going to go into too much detail or bring up everything.  I'm generally a 'think of others first, me second' kind of person.  And despite how I come across in the clips, the whole rubbish about me being awesome, every girl loving me etc, it’s all indirect making fun of myself.  I think that’s one reason why I have such huge patience, because anything they say at me is nothing I don’t say to myself now and then.  I give myself more shit than anyone else ever could.


There are a couple reasons I'm doing this.  Firstly because of the amount of people who keep asking me to patch things up with him and keep playing.  The whole being called a douche and a jerk by heaps of people after that post he made doesn’t bother me, even though the abuse from Austins hardcores has been fierce and nonstop since he made that post, whether it be comments on my youtube or private messages.  Also today my mind was in a strange place.  Flooded by heaps of memories and old sensations of when I was younger, how I am now, how some expect me to act older and more boring despite still being the same person personality wise and even down to looking in the fucking mirror and seeing the same face I saw 10+ years ago, it just made me want to break something.  I'm not violent by nature, but I do have a problem when I think someone’s stepping on me, taking advantage of me or abusing me, whether this is a friend, teachers, or work.  I have a tendency to just forget common sense and either get in their face or walk away for good.  Sometimes you could call it stupidly fearless.  I mean crazy con was my nickname in school lololol.


Anyway, examples of why I WILL NOT be in any more videos.  Everyone pretty much knows, or fucking well SHOULD KNOW by now, that whenever we play my ping is horribly high because Austin hosts the games.  This means he has the lowest ping and therefore performs better than the rest of us.  Meanwhile my ping is 300-500 average.  So it’s pretty much well known that sometimes where I shoot on my screen isn’t where the bullet actually goes.  If you check in my videos there’s one listed as a collection of friendly fire incidents from ONE game.  There’s a good clip where I shoot 1 yard in front of Austin’s character and somehow he gets shot.  This is the sort of thing I have to work through while playing.  I usually laugh when it happens and so do the rest since its completely unexpected half the time.  However Austin seems to forget this very often and outright shoots back at me now and then, even kills me at times.  There are clips of the others just gunning me down.


One time I hosted a game so they could see how it was on my end.  While I was running around obliterating everything, they were shooting each other and missing plenty of zombies and getting semi raped, freaking out at how hard and at times frustrating it was while I laughed away.  I also like to mention that L4D we just play for fun, not serious.  At least it used to NOT be serious.  The only games I'm serious in are competitive ones like CS, or TF2.  I'll generally be in the top half of the table, sometimes even on the top spot.  But L4D?  You don’t take that sort of game seriously.  You just can’t.  It’s made for you to have fun with.  I mean there’s fucking zombies rushing you.  That just screams fun.


The Molotov’s friendly fire, that’s not even me doing it on purpose.  The thing spreads where it wants to spread.  I can’t control it.  Yet I'm blamed for it.  The videos are properly set out to show me as a friendly firing crazy person.  I shoot someone, instant rage.  I'd also like to add whenever Austin shoots someone there isn’t any back lash and he actually laughs or just ignores what he did.  Lots of clips have that sort of thing edited out.  There’s also been some times where he's outright raged at me, those too were edited out.  Basically you could say I've just had abuse hurled at me nonstop.  So much so that right now the game has zero fun for me anymore. 


He mentions how I said the games turned into point A to point B, not stopping, always moving quickly to finish stages.  This is true.  I remember playing the silent hill map, trying to stop along the way to look at some of the stuff the creator had done because I was actually impressed and I'd be told hurry up move move move.  Lots of games it was like this.  Frequently left behind because I'd be clearing up some zombies, turn around and suddenly the group is a year in front of me.  One game I remember, going through hallways of a building, massive wave of zombies came past, darted into a nearby room to defend myself and expected the others to do this also since that’s what you do.  They kept running.  Austin yelling at me why I was still behind, and meanwhile I'm yelling back that I'm being attacked by swarms and need help, and the reply I got was almost as if I were making it up and to hurry along.  Cleared the zombies, managed to live, went outside.


Shortly later half of us are outside this one building, we hear a tank coming, I'm outside waiting with a molotov with Jed, Austin and Cody inside the building with the tank trying to get out.  I wait and then throw.  3 seconds later Austin darts out of the doorway and runs INTO the flames even though they were nowhere near the doorway.  Now I can’t say what it looked like on his side, but to me I was completely stunned.  He raged and gunned me down dead as he ran past.  I got the tank of course and Cody ran around the flames as I was expecting Austin to do.


So yeah, by now I'm fucked off.  Once I spawn I decide to shoot him for him.  He kills me because his connection is way better.  After that he camped at the doorway of where I spawn, opened the door when I did, gunned me down instantly, repeat 7x.  I was dead before I could even turn to face him.   The rest of that game was played almost silently, Jed and Cody saying nothing Austin handing out instructions to beat the tank.  He said something to jonna and she asked me that she heard I was being a jerk in the game.  I edited that play through showed her the clip, and not even an apology when she saw what happened.  There’s quite a few instances in some of the clips posted where I'm killed on the spot for no reason.  I do my best not to snap but you know there comes a time when enough is enough.


Another time I accidently shot at him on one map, he turned grenade launchered me.  So I just kept shooting back while he grenade launchered me to death then carried on.  That was probably the first time I ever rage quitted a game.  I think I didn’t play with them for about 4months.  That was 2 Christmases ago.


One other thing that’s very frustrating is we could never actually play L4D with others or Austin would freak out.  He couldn’t understand or accept that we probably wouldn’t mind playing with our own friends now and then.  Jed and I were planning to do a silly 'Francis and Bill' miniseries I'd thought up, but every time we tried to start doing it he would instantly log in and ask us what we were doing and why we were playing without him.  I'd have to say playing with him was like walking on eggshells.  He's a very emotional person and we had to constantly think about him first before we did or said anything.  It’s extremely hard and taxing.  He also knows this.  At least he SHOULD considering the amount of times we’ve asked him to calm down in games because its just a game.  So him saying he was completely surprised at how I felt is either him completely forgetting or him ignoring us, or mainly me.


L4D2 however, yes I totally do not like that game.  I don’t like the characters, I don’t like the voice acting, I don’t like the music, I don’t like the stage designs, theres almost nothing I like about that game.  Because we played it more and the first game less, things did start getting worse between us.  I wasn’t enjoying the treatment I was getting, I wasn’t enjoying the game I was playing, so basically meant I didn’t have a focus point to calm down with whenever I got annoyed at something.  Which meant I lashed back at whoever bugged me the most.


The thing that made me just outright be completely done with everything was during the Meet Jed clip.  I'm a fairly creative person.  I enjoy writing, I love thinking up original things.  I had ideas for a Meet series for everyone and a few other interesting clips we could do for fun.  The Meet Con thing was just a test to see if people found it funny.  I wanted Meet Jed to completely blow that out of the water.  So I thought up a bunch of ideas, pushed to have it made for like a year or whatever, and finally we started.  We hopped onto Skype, spoke for about an hour or so, we were all pretty excited at how fun this was going to be.  I gave all my ideas which was pretty much 90% of the entire clip and they loved it.  Jed and Austin had a few ideas of their own which were also great and we used them.   The first few clips were done and I saw them, they were brilliant, following my ideas or slightly altering them to make them better. I was loving this.  There was even a totally new scene Austin put in that was great.  Very comical.


A few weeks later I'm shown a fairly rough 90% completed version and my brain just shut down.  3/4 of the thing was almost nothing like I'd thought up or what we'd spoken about.  I asked Austin why the changes, why this wasn’t like what we'd talked about.  He said his vision of this and that scene made more sense to him and he wanted it to be like this.  The more we tried to explain to him I wasn’t happy with the ideas that were changed that we all agreed upon, the more frustrated he got and raged back saying we weren’t considering his feelings, we were being unfair etcetc.  Massive drama.  So for me seeing my ideas practically raped into this completely different thing was very hard for me to swallow.   Instead of being completely new, it borrowed heavily on some ideas from the Meet Con clip and I didn’t like this.  I said fine, you love this so much then cool.  Finish the rest without my input and post it.


I don’t know why he hasn’t uploaded it.  He claims to be very proud about it, he loves it, so what’s stopping him from uploading it.  It’s pretty much general knowledge that I DONT CARE what happens with the clip.  I'm not saying the clip is crap.  It’s not. I'm saying it’s not the ideas I wanted to see that we agreed on.  As a creative person it’s a slap to the face, and I don’t really expect anyone to understand the way my brain works with this topic.  The changes altered the feel of the clip.  So for me I didn’t want to be part of it if my ideas were going to be tossed aside.


The facebook spreading rumours etc, I never once posted on my face book that sort of thing.  That’s not my style and majority of the people on my facebook are people who live in my city or relatives, all of which know nothing about my YouTube clips and so wouldn’t know wtf I was on about.  If I mentioned anything in the 'fans of kilplix' group I don’t remember.  But if I did it would have been simple and to the point like it was on my YouTube page when I said I'm not playing with them anymore because me and Austin clash.  I have a thing where when someone asks me a question, I like to answer it.  Which is why I respond to people on my YouTube page.  I'm not going to bring up how Austin interacts with his fans, but it’s usually from his blog only, which he heavily advertises, especially since people hand him substantial donations because they enjoy the videos, another thing I really will totally not get into.


Quick touch on the ‘doing it for the subs’ thing.  Maybe he doesn’t think he does it but he would always load up 1 video a week. This would irk me slightly.  I’d try to push him into uploading more like when we had a really funny play through, but he would say he’s spacing them out to get maximum view counts.  This bugged me so much.  Him removing that clip where for 20min he made fun of people who sent him messages, lost a few thousand subs in the space of an hour or so, and quickly removed it and put up an apology.  He claims to have been happy with that clip. So why remove it.  If I had known about the clip before he posted it I would of told him doing that would be a really stupid idea.  People think most of those that unsubbed were kids.  In my opinion it was more likely to be people in their 20s and older who found the clip tasteless, because I know I certainly did.    As dumb as some of the comments were, these are people who come to your page and enjoy what you do.  I don’t see the need to make fun of them.


Anyway, like I've mentioned many times before I don’t hate him.  I've got no huge issue with him, I may not have spoken with him in months, but that doesn’t mean I hate him.  What I can say is that I won’t be in any more clips period, so asking me to be in them again is pointless.  I like to think I'm an extremely patient person, very understanding, always considerate of others more than myself.  Sometimes more then I really should be.  I've bought Austin and the rest gifts in the past when I was on holidays, specific items from Japan when I was there, other random things like blurays, games, pc parts, this or that.  I love getting people gifts.  It’s part of what makes me who I am.  But there comes a time when I need to think about myself.


I'm sorry Austin finds all this somehow completely alien and surprising to him, despite the MANY times we've all talked in the past about his temper, which he also admits to having, and it usually feels like once we talk about something to him he ends up forgetting it and focusing on himself once more.  I'm sorry if he's had issues in his life over this or that, if he's fragile emotionally, or anything else that makes life harder for him to handle, I understand he has issues and always did my best to step around them and try to support him like the rest of us do.  But there seriously comes a time when I decide for myself that I really don’t feel like being treated the way I've been treated.  I do not suffer half the abuse that was hurled at me during the entire time we played from anyone else and put up with it.  He was pretty much the only exception to the rule.  I'd like that to actually somehow mean something to him but it probably won’t.


The two of us just won’t be playing together anymore.  I'm not after any sympathy or pats on the back or whatever, but it just came down to a point where I was just becoming emotionally exhausted and shattered at the treatment, the outlook the clips made of me, and just everything in between.


I like being happy.  Ignoring shit from normal day to day life, I prefer gaming to be a window for me to be happy in.  So I've made the changes to hopefully go back to enjoying games as normal.  Sorry this was so long and you had to actually read it.  There’s plenty more I could mention, things I've most likely forgotten, but really there’s no point, and most wouldn’t be really understood.  Youtube is also not a massive thing for me.  It was made to show a few friends some clips.  The fact other people started watching them and enjoying them was pretty cool.  But having 1 sub or 10 million subs, it just doesnt even factor into the way I think.  But I'm glad you all enjoy the stuff that goes up, however random and infrequent they may be.  So thanks for enjoying the videos we made and hope you keep enjoying whatever I put up now and then, and the clips Austin makes.