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Saturday, September 10, 2016

Blast from the past

This has been an interesting week for me.  But the highlight was getting in touch with a friend I havent spoken to in 25 years.  See, next month my high school reunion is happening.  Obviously I'm not going because fuck people.  I'm not one for gatherings.  But going through the facebook page thats been set up for it I decided to see how everyone I knew has been faring.  Then I noticed the name of one person who I have always wanted to track down but never could.  This is the brief story of a girl who was not only my first love, but also my best friend in highschool.

We used to spend heaps of time together.  Most times I'd walk her home after school, we'd meet up on weekends to go to the library for study, go to places to eat, visit the cinema etc.  We never dated, though I could have easily if I wanted to.  But I was more happy having her as a friend.   Now the problem with this is some others were annoyed by me.  She was one of the popular girls, and there were guys who were interested in her and saw me as a constant blockade.  I remember one time 3 of them cornered me and told me to either ask her out or stop hanging out with her so much because noone could approach her.  Told them shes a friend, they can go ahead and ask her out, nothing to do with me.  Clearly this didnt make me too popular with some people.  But fuck them.

Anyway, the last 2 times we spoke were pretty memorable.  I'll start with the final.  Walking her home from school, suddenly she turns on me and just loses it.  I was like wtf.  She started yelling at me saying how she couldnt believe I hadnt asked her out to the graduation, similar to a prom for my american friends.  Another friend of mine had asked her to it and she had accepted.  Berated me how she was expecting me to ask her, how her parents were even expecting it too.  In all honesty I didnt want a date for it.  I was happy to go with friends and just do my own thing, not be dragged around for dances and have to focus on one person only.  So for me it was a bit of a relief someone had asked her as I was expecting on the final day to just be automatically nominated by her whether I wanted to or not.  A weird thing to feel towards the girl you were in love with.  But thats me.

So the second final time we spoke was the catalyst for everything.  I was at home doing something or other when the phone rang.  I picked it up and on the other end I could hear her crying.  She was over a friend of ours house and apparently he had told her I'd called her a bunch of bad things, like slut etc.  So shes sobbing and asking how could I say such things, she thought we were friends etcetc.  Through the entire tirade my brain was working furiously.  Had I said these things?  Did I say them and just forget?  Surely I must have if shes crying like this.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that not even offhandedly had I said any of this.  Then I realized what was really happening.  One of my best friends had decided to stab me in the back because he was interested in her.  This was betrayal of the highest order.  And thats when everything changed for me.

I finally answered her by admitting I'd said those things.  I was done.  As heart wrenching as what was happening, I was over it and didnt need any more drama that highschool brought.  When she got off my friend hopped on and his tone, which I still remember to this day with absolute fury, was almost accusing.  Shes crying, he said.  Those things you called her were really uncalled for, he said.  At the time I couldnt believe it.  I questioned myself again.  Had I said them after all since he sounded so sure of himself.  Was he maybe misunderstanding or mishearing something I'd said casually.  No.  By now I was 100% certain.  Fuck you I thought.  I told him to make sure he kept her happy.  And then I hung up and went andlocked myself up in my room with whatever was left of my shattered mind.  Funnily enough they broke up a couple months or so later.  At least thats what I recall.  I'm not completely sure since we didnt hang out after that again.  He tried to keep in contact with me, but after a little realized I wanted nothing to do with him.

It was pretty much on that day when I realized, despite my positive outlook on everything, that people sucked and majority of them were fake.  It took a couple years more before I'd fully cursed the world and everything in it.  My profiling of people became inhumanly accurate.  I would always have friends asking me for advice on things or relationships, because my brain had somehow evolved to see past all the layers of bullshit.  Even to this day a friend of mine showed me pictures of 3 guys she was sort of interested in.  I told her what I expected each one of them to be like, down to 1 of them most likely having the ability to cheat.  She was floored since that guy, who looked fairly normal in his photo, had cheated on a previous girlfriend.  Which made me ask the question, why the fuck are you even interested in him to begin with.  But then I realized people just love drama.

Any way, after graduation which was year 10, we all went to a new school that covered years 11-12, and then followed onto university.  We ended p never speaking again.  She found a new circle of friends and I lost all contact.  I've always wanted to tell her that I never said any of those things.  Its been smashing around in my head frequently since then.  One of those moments where you wonder how things would of been had you said or not said something, and wanting to rewind the clock.  I'm still content with what I did.  What I'm not happy about is not having the chance to tell her later that it never happened.  So when I saw her name on the facebook post I decided to message her a couple months later.  I had to gather my courage.  After all what sort of reaction would I expect?  Anger?  Indifference? Could be anything.  But I'd decided it didnt matter.  I needed to do this for myself, to finally get it out of my system so I could move on.  Amazingly enough she was outright shocked.

I wont paste up the entire conversation, but these are a few lines from it just for gossip sake -  'Omg....I don't know what to were my closest friend in high school the one person I thought would be there always......You made high school bearable, it was us against the school......I remember the break before we started Year 11 and you turned to me and said that things would change and I was like no it won't it will be fine....Lets get together sooner rather than later. Free most weekends, would love to catch up on the last 25 years.''

So yeah, I was pretty made up with that.  Easily the best reaction I could of hoped for.  In case you're wondering, yes shes married and has a couple kids.  So no, I will not be doing some bullshit romcom movie style of finding my highschool sweet heart and marrying her.  Because that stuff never happens.  But I hear you ask, what if she were single?  Would I have followed through with anything?  No, I would not.  Many years ago I chose friendship.  I'm still happy with that choice and dont regret anything.  Logic states I'd still be happy to continue that trend.

So thats my big thing.  Your eyes are probably broken from reading so much.  If they are, I encourage you to abuse Jed.  Abuse him thoroughly.  And tell him I sent you.  I think next weekend is when we'll probably meet up so that should be fun. At least conversation wont be boring.  We have 25 years to catch up on.


  1. Thanks for sharing this one, it really felt like something that could only be expressed through writing. If I was in the same situation as you Con, I wouldn't know how to act, I'm quite childish in high school. I might sound pretty mean, ah screw it, at least I can write what I think of this with honesty. I feel like there's a lesson to be learned here, be truthful to yourself and not to be always wholly considerate of others (friends or not). Otherwise, for some people, they might not be lucky and will be filled with deep regrets later, which may change the person him/herself entirely (depending on how serious it is). But still, there's always a light in the end, even if one screws up I suppose. I enjoy reading the blog, thanks Con. And I hope the screws in my head wasn't loose writing this.

  2. Oh dude that was acc heart wrenching oml, i hope you met up with her :3

    1. Thanks! We ended up getting together for dinner. Looks like I've been slack and didnt make another update. Typical me! It went well. I know I talked about some of it during the last podcast though. Not all but some. Probably put up the rest on here sometime.