When you sleep as little as I usually do your mind goes all over the place. Mine for example constantly recalls events where I did or said something that just makes me cringe. Like for example going over to my friends house and his dad asking me if I've had dinner yet since they were about to have dinner. I never eat at friends houses. I've got this mental thing. Nicest way I can put it. Anyway, I said to him 'Yes thanks', as in yes I've had dinner and thanks for asking. But I think he took it as Yes I will eat with you because when they sat down there was this extra plate at the table and I was a little confused. So I stood there like a retard wondering is that for me or not, they havent said anything, maybe it isnt, this is uncomfortable. I think that was about 20 years ago. You see? My brain refuses to forget small little things. And it enjoys making me relive each and every single one of them that I've done. I tell myself each time, remember it, learn from it, improve on it. Every little thing I do, try to learn from previous screw ups so I can be more normal in the future. Its not working too well as I'm still a gigantic massive retard.
From this leads a whole massive spider web of thoughts. You could see it as my brain telling me I cant be better because of this or that. / I cant move on. / I refuse to grow up mentally because my brain is locked firmly in the past. / I hate myself. / I'm a failure / Yeah, but then that gets too complicated and I lose interest in where those thoughts might go. I just cant take myself seriously half the time. Thats probably why I'm never actually depressed. Even during my highschool years when I went into a massive emo stint and just refused to leave home and did nothing but read books every day for about a year, I wasnt even depressed. I mean yeah I was, but I actually enjoyed it. I'm not sure what that would be called...An inside out emo? You could say I relish on emotions. All kinds. Thats probably where my creative part comes from. My imagination is pretty cool. The dreams I have are outright freaky half the time and I so enjoy recalling them. Nightmares definitely are my favourite.
WOOPS rambling on again. Thats enough for now before I wrote about 10 pages of thoughts and then some. Gotta hold myself back most of the time. Too many things my brain wants me to put down. You'd think I'd have a diary wouldnt you, what with all my constant thoughts. I tried having one back when I was like..uh..13-14 I think. Was a pretty cool little thing. Small back, clasped shut with a lock. Was pretty spiffy. I think I entered maybe 10 or so pages and then decidedly got bored of it. Lord knows I remember enough things. Would be cool to read now though. I think my problem was I tried to make an entry every day. That was wrong. I think once a week or twice a week would of been plenty. Gather all your thoughts together and spew it out. Otherwise you'd have a week or two here and there with Wed 28th, I ate a hot dog for lunch then went home cause my stomach was sore. Thur 29th, skipped school. Fri 30th, went to school it was boring. Real awesome.
Yet here I am making a blog. Oh brain you silly thing.
Words of the Wise Old Con.
ReplyDeleteSlipknot!!! LMFAO you gotta love them hula hoops brah.
Reading this suddenly brings Nick Hornby's words from 'High Fidelity' to mind:
ReplyDelete"It seems to me that if you place music (and books, probably, and films, and plays, and anything that makes you feel) at the centre of your being, then you can't afford to sort out your love life, start to think of it as a finished product. You've got to pick at it, keep it, alive and in turmoil, you've got to pick at it and unravel it until it all comes apart and you're compelled to start all over again. Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship."
Well of course the context of your post is not relationship here XP but in general I think the lines relate to our state of happiness with ourselves. =/
Anyhow if I were to get only 2-3 hours of sleep, woe behold all those who stand in my path; for they shall face the tornado of Crankiness! *evil laugh*
I hate Hula Hoops. what do u say about that?
ReplyDeleteI have that same "problem" with reliving past experiences. I'm using them to get better at my job. Two weeks ago I was fixing up the fountain drinks for someone and he said, "Um, I guess I'll have the orange." And so stupid me looked at the lemonade and said, "Oh, lemonade? Alright."
ReplyDeleteYeah, that was all sorts of fun. Whenever I think about it I laugh though.